


To Be Next To You

by YOrememberme



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Brotherhood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Natsuya is a disaster, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, i love hiyoiku, ikuya too, nao to the rescue, plz dont hate on em, touch starved hiyori
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25572526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YOrememberme/pseuds/YOrememberme
Summary: In which Hiyori doesn't swim in the relay with Ikuya and gets involved in an accident. Things escalate quickly, and Ikuya's life changes forever.
Relationships: Kirishima Ikuya/Tono Hiyori
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	1. No word could reach you

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to my super angsty fic. this is so angsty and heck i can't apologize enough. i don't usually write something this long but these guys gave me feelings and i swore i will write something for them so yeah. title inspired by hiyoiku duet song, yup, that super bEauTiFuL song, check it out plz and thank me later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i know this is kinda short, I'm having some difficulties portraying Hiyori's character and his way of thinking and so. sorry

Hiyori admits to himself that this is the first time he has seen Ikuya's angry face and heard his fierce cry. And both are meant to push _Hiyori_ away. Much like the strong fist Ikuya has used to shove him backward a bit with. The night is still, except for his shaking body and low whimpers. It has been a few minutes since Ikuya walked out of the playground, leaving Hiyori with a small, defeated 'sorry'. But Hiyori doesn't want an apology. He doesn't want Ikuya explaining himself either. He just wants his best friend back. His best friend who once pulled him out of his silent loneliness and invited him into his ambitious dreamland. His best friend who once stood higher than any proud mountain and stronger than the tsunami waves uploading at the far distance. His best friend who once broke down under his own reckless training but soon fixed himself with promising words of strength. Stronger. He became stronger. Hiyori almost cries out when he thinks of the moment his eyes fell on the bubbles replacing Ikuya's body as he lost his focus and sank into the floor of the pool. It was _terrifying_. Like no other horror movie he ever saw. When Ikuya was discharged some days later, Hiyori couldn't help but worry. What if it happens again and Hiyori isn't there? Sure he would do his best to keep an eye on him, but he also doesn't want to make the teal haired guy feel uncomfortable. 

Hiyori is _not_ a bother, both Ikuya and Hiyori know that. Despite the little bubble of worry popping every now and then when he would take Ikuya's shoulders and give him a little shake with a 'hey, are you okay' and Ikuya's instant 'yeah, I'm fine' bouncing back, Hiyori still couldn't help but remind himself to be cautious. More cautious than he was when he crossed paths with Ikuya's old teammates. He knew that Ikuya wouldn't act like the small kid he was in middle school. Ikuya wouldn't run to them with open arms and engulf them in a big hug, nor would he ignore their presence completely and pretend that he doesn't recognize them. Ikuya would have a talk with them, maybe exchange some glances here and there. And maybe racing them to show them that he really did become stronger. Even without their help. Hiyori knew that Ikuya might feel a little bit excited, he can not not feel excited. Even if there was some history between them, they were his teammates in the end. And they swam in a medley relay together, and won some meets too. Ikuya would want to talk to them. Reunite with them. Heck, even swim with them. But Hiyori didn't think that Ikuya would be like this after he meets them. Vulnerable and broken. _Why_? Wasn't he planning to show them how much _stronger_ he has gotten since he followed his brother to the states? Where did all that go? The ambition and strength and will. Where did his honor go? Why was he feeling all weak again? Weak under their gaze, weak when he thinks of them, weak when swims. Even when he swims? Why? Swimming is supposed to _heal_ him, not weaken him. Or remind him of how vulnerable he thinks he is. No. _Wrong_. This is all wrong. Ikuya is wrong if he thinks he is weak again. He has been practicing so hard, he came so far. And he shouldn't stop here. Not after every thing he has been through. Hiyori needs to make him open his eyes and see that this is all wrong. 

_Look, it's none of your damn business, okay!_

None of your damn business. _None of your damn business, Hiyori_. Ikuya said it's none of his damn business. But why? Has Hiyori read something wrong? Did he miss something? Could it be that he calculated something wrong and failed to discover his mistake later no less? Could it be that...he is a _bother_? That Ikuya feels _uncomfortable_ around him? Or worse, could it be that Hiyori is _not_ needed anymore? And after what, after _Haru_ and the others came back into Ikuya's life to remind him of how 'vulnerable' he is that he decided to push Hiyori away too? Couldn't he have chosen a better timing to voice out his true feelings about Hiyori? No, couldn't _Haru_ and the others have chosen a better timing to show up and flip the tables? Why do they have to appear now and mess with Ikuya's dream? Why do they have to make Ikuya push Hiyori away?

"Meow."

Hiyori snaps his eyes open, vision blurry from the tears. He raises a hand to his head, massaging his scalp a little. A movement catches his attention to the right, he turns to stare at the slide where he pushed Ikuya down a few moments ago. Tears pour down his cheeks again, _hotter_ than before. 

"Meow."

The voice interrupts his thoughts again. Hiyori wipes the tears from his eyes, trying to prevent the next round of tears from uploading but failing miserably. He stands up and takes a moment to calm his breathing. After a couple of hiccups squeeze themselves out his throat, he looks up and catches the sight of a star. It is far, small and faint. But he sees it. Big and bright and loud. Like _fireworks_. Before he makes up his mind to leave the playground, his ears pick up the familiar sound again. It is low but he can follow its direction. He wonders what in the world he is doing, he should be back by now, alone in his room and crying his eyes out in there instead of in the middle of a playground. His legs carry him to some bushes at the corner of the park, he takes a second to question if he should wait and see what is in there or go back. His head is throbbing badly and his body is aching. He hisses and forces his eyes shut. A shiver runs down his spine as he remembers the way Ikuya pushed him earlier. It was supposed to be _harsher_ , but Ikuya's fist wasn't that offensive. Sure he got the message, that Ikuya had meant for it to be a deadly warning. But Ikuya's gentle nature didn't help that much. Hiyori is _hurt_ , and he has been hurt before. Many things and many people hurt him before, but none of them is Ikuya. They are like needles, and _Ikuya_ is like a _sword_.

In the middle of his thoughts, he feels a fuss at his feet. He removes his hand from his face to look down. A tiny ball of fluff is nuzzling his shoes. Hiyori has always been good with animals. He once thought of talking his mother into getting him a pet, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He was hurting alone, but his parents didn't see it like that. He shakes himself out of the memory quickly and crunches down to run a hand on the silver furred kitten. A small smile crawls into his lips, he nuzzles the little kitten's chin with his index before trying to find a collar or a tag around its neck. No thing. A stray, then. 

"Are you _alone_ too?" 

His voice cracks a little, apparently from crying, a painful lump still blocking his throat. He swallows a little to force it down. Playing with a stray in the middle of the night and after you just had a fight with your best friend isn't something wise for Hiyori to do. He has always been the neat and collected guy. Sure he had hung out with his friends from Shimo U and sometimes it led to some messy results, but Hiyori was still his quiet self despite their many attempts to get him out of his shell. He takes a deep breath, removes his glasses to blink some tears away. He had never thought he would feel like this again. Like how he felt when he was a little kid. When he was ignored and left behind. 

"No." he mutters in a hushed tone, as if the idea would crawl away from his mind if he asks it to. He stares at the little creature by his feet, the kitten looks well fed and surprisingly clean. Before he jumps into further conclusions, a sudden movement coming from the bushes makes both Hiyori and the kitten turns to it. And then a figure jumps out and lands beside the kitten. Another kitten. This one is a bit bigger, dark black furred and also seems to be well taken care of. It pumps noses with the little kitten and licks its head a bit before turning to Hiyori. Its eyes are brown colored. The little kitten's are almost forest green. They seem close to each other, Hiyori thinks. Maybe they are friends. He sighs and brings a hand to pet the bigger kitten's head gently. So it isn't alone, after all. Even this kitten has company. Maybe it is his _bitter_ fate. To have a fight with Ikuya just awhile go and then have this kitten appear out of nowhere with its friend to make Hiyori feel sadder. Maybe he is supposed to feel sadder after seeing these kittens. Maybe he wasn't supposed to feel relieved and happy from the very beginning when he met Ikuya for the first time. Maybe he was imagining it all, Ikuya accepting him as a _friend_ and allowing him to be around him. Letting him follow him everywhere and hanging out with him after practice. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be an invitation into Ikuya's world. Maybe it is... _not like what he thinks._

Did Ikuya think of him as a _friend_? From the very beginning? Or was Ikuya just acting his usual self around him and Hiyori had been imagining all of this on his own?

"Meow."

It pulls him out of his thoughts again, Hiyori turns to see that the kittens are leaving. The little one trotting behind the bigger kitten slowly. Tails curved and swinging in the air. The silver kitten turns for the last time to stare at Hiyori before disappearing into the bushes following its friend's suit. Wow. Even strays feel this way about him too. Maybe he isn't what he thinks he is. Is he...ugly? Or scary? Or maybe just not someone you would want to be around more than five seconds? Hiyori feels himself tearing up again, a soft sob escaping his mouth. His heart beat is faster, his breath is painfully caught in his throat, body shaking and hyperventilating again. Maybe he is really a bad guy. He doesn't go back to the dorms. He spends the night outdoors, on the cold ground, surrounded by the mean, harsh laughter of life and trapped in a familiar place called _loneliness_.

  
__________

They don't have practice today. Meaning, Hiyori doesn't have to show his _terrible_ appearance to his teammates. Especially _Ikuya_. But then he remembers that they do practice solo together on the day they don't have practice with the team. Ikuya is most probably getting ready now, maybe he has already asked someone to time him and practice with him. Or, maybe Hiyori can grow some courage and face Ikuya after all. What worse could happen any way? Maybe Ikuya has forgotten about it all and _is_ now waiting for Hiyori to arrive. Yes. He is going to face Ikuya. Hiyori puts on his jacket and adjusts his appearance in the mirror, silently hoping that Ikuya wouldn't mind his messy look. When did Ikuya mind? He grabs his phone and wrist watch and leaves the dorms. Whispering soft words of comfort to calm down his raging heart. He checks his phone quickly, no thing. Maybe Ikuya didn't need to remind him of their practice because he knows that Hiyori would come no matter what. _Good_. Hiyori slides the devise into his jacket's pocket and looks up to stare at the red light. Something flashes before his eyes. 

_Red_. 

_"You don't understand at all!"_

_Red._

_"I'm fine, stop worrying too much!"_

_Red._

_"It's none of your damn business!"_

_A shove, a sword pierces his chest, his heart._

_Ikuya turns, walks away._

_Leaves Hiyori alone._

_Alone, alone, alone-_

"Hey, watch out!"

Hiyori feels someone grabbing his elbow and pulling him gently. Although the act seems to be meant to prevent him from running across the road and when the light is still red. Oh. Hiyori blinks twice before turning to glance at the person beside him. It is a woman with light brown hair, her eyes are faint green and they seem to glow golden in the light. A little girl is clinging on her right arm, since her left one is still holding Hiyori in place. The girl, seemingly her daughter, is staring hardly at Hiyori. He wonders if he did something wrong.

"Hey, are you okay?"

The woman speaks again, the worry obvious in her voice and on her face. Hiyori thinks he has seen her before. He has heard the voice before, but it wasn't saying these words. Instead, it was all about ' _I'm sorry, sweetie' and 'we won't be home tonight, Hiyori'_. Hiyori gasps, and finds himself yanking his arm away from the woman's gentle grasp. _No_. 

"S-Sorry." Hiyori unconsciously utters. Eyes lost in memories and breathing heavy.

"Hey, it's alright. I'm sorry for touching you without your permission. You just seemed to need someone to remind you that the light is still red. Sorry again."

The woman talks in a polite tone, eyes darting to the light then back to Hiyori. He lets out a soft ' _oh_ '. Did he just...want to cross when the light wasn't green yet? Hiyori has never found difficulties crossing a road before. What in the world just happened to him?

"Red," a voice whispers, and the world spins around Hiyori again.

_Red._

_Mad._

_Ikuya._

"It's s-still red." another whisper.

_Still red._

_Still mad and angry at him._

_Ikuya._

"Y-You cross when it is g-green, not r-red."

Hiyori blinks again to regain his senses. He looks down at the kid clutching her mother's arm. The girl's eyes match her mother's, hair tied up in a cute bun. She raises a hesitate hand to point at the light. The woman pats her daughter's head affectionately before looking up at Hiyori again.

"Well, I hope she did a better job in pointing it out," the woman chuckles.

Hiyori couldn't help but see the same woman from his past in this mother. No. Stop it. He shakes his head to push the memory away.

"You seem like you would need a nap. You shouldn't be this tired when crossing a road, you know. It might be dangerous, young man."

Yeah, he is definitely scaring them with his awful appearance. 

"Oh! It's green. Come on, sweetie." she takes her daughter's hand in hers and adjusts the shopping bag on her shoulder. 

"Take care, young man!' She yells over her shoulder as she walks to the other side of the road, slowly disappearing in the middle of the crowd.

Hiyori doesn't move. He wants to cross the road. He needs to leave this place as soon as he could. Ikuya must be _waiting_ for him, he needs to go. He doesn't want to _disappoint_ Ikuya. He can't _disappoint_ Ikuya. But his body isn't responding. And here he is, standing lifelessly as people walk past him and to the other side of the road. He wants to _move_ , begs his leg to take a step forward. But his body is frozen. Mind racing and heart bounding loudly in his ears. Eyes bulging as he stares at the only color shining in his vision field. 

_Red._

_Red._

_Ikuya's red eyes._

_Mad. Angry. At him._

Hiyori wants to _run_. He wants to disappear. To be invisible. _Because that color is consuming him. Trapping him. Sucking the life out of him._

_Red._

Hiyori doesn't hate the color, he really doesn't.

But it is _hurting_ him. It is hurting him so bad.

He doesn't go where he wanted to a few seconds ago. He doesn't go to face _him_. He can't face _him_.

Instead, Hiyori's legs carry him to the playground where all _this_ started from. To the place where he last saw the _color_. Where he last saw _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! chapter 2 will be up soon.
> 
> please leave some kudos and comments ^-^


	2. I intended to have always understood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Hiyori's life after the fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will try my best to keep the updates as regular as i can ^^ 
> 
> in this chapter; mention of triggering voices inside Hiyori's head.

Morning doesn't find Hiyori curled up in his bed and enjoying the last minutes of his _extremely_ needed sleep, instead, the male has passed out in a sitting poisoning on his desk, arms crossed in an attempt to provide a comfortable cushion for his head. 

But it didn't work and he grunts when he manages to cock his head up to stare at the desk watch in front of him. His neck aches as he turns to search for his glasses. He hisses in pain before grabbing the black framed glasses and adjusts them on his nose bridge. 

_11:34 a.m_., it read.

"Damn," he mutters, voice groggy and hoarse. Did he fall asleep while studying? And he slept through his alarm? Wait, he wasn't studying last night, was he? He takes a quick glance at his desk, a neatly arranged set of books is standing at the far right end, beside them rests his laptop, a colorful pack of sticky notes on top of it. Definitely _not_ studying. Hiyori tries to remember, what the hell was he thinking when he didn't drag his tired body to bed instead of carelessly letting himself doze off on his desk? The results are bad, he feels more tired than before. That is exactly what you get when you fall asleep in that awkward position. 

It isn't the first time this happens, though. It's been the usual way he wakes up every morning now, since that terrible morning he failed to reach the pool in time for his solo practice with Ikuya. He hasn't been to their team's practice either. He wonders if anyone has noticed yet. 

_No one will notice, idiot._

_Why would they? You aren't that important._

He gasps before shaking his head, which causes more pain to spread across it and his neck. He untangles his arms and raises a palm to his cheek, it is warm from sleep. He wipes away the drool on the side of his mouth before yawning in exhaustion. He wonders if he should be doing what he has been doing the whole week, wandering around his dorm room helplessly and ignoring the slight knock on his door followed by the ' _you alive, toono!_ ' yell of his next door neighbors. They probably havent seen him leaving for his afternoon classes, or else they would have known that yes, he is alive. Just present physically and absent mentally. He wonders if they were worried about him for real. 

_They are not._

They were just being nice to check in on him since they havent seen him leaving his room for nearly six days straight. Isn't that the definition of worry? 

_Shut it, useless._

Stop. 

He wants these voices inside his head to stop. 

A grumbling sound startles him and he looks down at his tummy. He is hungry. _Very_. But there is one problem, he doesn't want to serve himself something. Something _healthy_. He has been living on instant ramen and some take out for a while now. As careless and _not-hiyori_ as it sounds, he shrugs and devours the food anyway. He doesn't want to step out of his room to walk to the nearest grocery shop. He doesn't want to see anyone, on his way to the shop or at the shop. He doesn't even want to think about it, because the more he does, the sharper the _pain_ gets. When was the last time he was avoiding seeing human beings like this again? Ah, it must be so long ago, because he feels himself _missing_ it. 

A part of him misses the loneliness so much. As stupid and creepy as it may sound, he has once gotten accustomed to the thought of being away from everyone for a long time in his life that part of him really wishes for it to happen again. It was not a big deal, he woke on his own and made and wrapped his lunch on his own and walked to and back from school on his own too. He studied alone and finished his homework alone too. He never minded. It became natural. Until one day, his eyes fell on a pair of red jewels hidden shyly behind silky, teal strands. Since that moment, everything changed in Hiyori's life. He hadn't been doing anything alone again. Instead, it had always been the two of them walking home together after classes and making some plans to meet up on weekends to study or have some fun. It had transformed from ' _alone_ ' to ' _together_ ' in a considerable amount of time that Hiyori felt like he was _born_ to be Ikuya's side. But it all shattered that late night at the playground, where all of this _started_. And where it all _ended_ too. 

Wait, what ended? Their friendship?

Hiyori panics.

_Yes, because Ikuya doesn't want to see you again_. 

_He has forgotten about you already._

No. Ikuya isn't like that, right? Maybe Hiyori is making a big deal out of this. After all, if he remembers correctly, Ikuya said ' _sorry_ , right? It was a soft breath, almost a whisper. As if he wanted only Hiyori to hear it.

_But do you know what was he apologizing for?_

Of course he knows, Ikuya was sorry he yelled at Hiyori. And pushed him too. 

_No. He was sorry he was your friend._

Hiyoris heart skips a beat.

_He was sorry he was stuck with you when he could have done many things with his life. Like spending his time making himself a popular guy instead of sticking with some four eyes creep._

Was Hiyori holding him back or something? Maybe he scared his classmates who wanted to get to know Ikuya back in high school. He remembers the group of second years students who used to stare at them during lunch breaks. Were they... _afraid_ of approaching Ikuya because of Hiyori? Was he the rock in his best friend's path? 

_Ex- best friend, you mean._

Right. Ex- best friend. 

He misses it. Calling Ikuya his best friend. He misses _him_. A wave of pain washes over his body. Could he ever forget about that night and pretend that nothing has happened between them? Could he forget the fist Ikuya used to push him with? If he could, then he might as well ignore the fact that Ikuya hasn't texted him since then. 

A groan escapes his mouth. Hiyori doesn't know what could mend their relationship again. Whatever it is, it's gonna be hard to find. That is, If there is something like that. _If_. The male recognizes the angry noise his stomach does again and he decides that it is time to act mature and see what his cooking would benefit him with. Dragging his legs until he is standing in front of the fridge, he notices that it hardly has anything that could help him with his little problem. _Little_. Because Hiyori has said so, and also because he doesn't have the energy to waste on preparing a decent meal for himself. He tightens his grip on the fridge door handle, maybe he really has to come out of his cave at last. It is true he still attends his afternoon classes and avoids any unnecessary meeting with any of his project partners but other than that, Hiyori doesn't go anywhere else. Not that he has somewhere else to go to _without Ikuya._

Something rings in his ears, he turns to look at his phone on the table. When did he move it from the nightstand? Or has it always been there? Hiyori moves his legs to the chair and sit down with a sigh. Could it be Ikuya? Has he finally remembered about Hiyori?

He grabs the phone and almost flinches when he sees that the message is from their team captain. 

_"Oh God."_ He whispers.

Is he in trouble? Must be. He hasn't shown up for practice for _five_ days, of course he is going to be in trouble. With his hand shaking a little, Hiyori swallows and reads the text. 

_hey toono u ok? i havent gotten a response from u yet_

A what? And is that all? No scolding or telling him he would be kicked out? He tries to calm himself before moving his fingers to type a calm reply. But should he give him excuses? Captain Hoshikawa hasn't texted him in the past few days, so why now? Did he sense that Hiyori is going to skip more practices if no one caught him? Hiyori doesn't want to go back to their university pool and face all these faces. Friends? Were they friends before Hiyori started shutting everyone out? And Ikuya, Hiyori doesn't want to face Ikuya too. _Especially Ikuya_. Maybe he can ask Hoshikawa to excuse him and let him miss more practices. But what will his excuse be? Of course he needs to prepare one, in case Hoshikawa presses on him or anything. 

_hey captain. I'm okay_

Should he say more? I'm okay, just can't come to practice anymore? No, what the hell will Hoshikawa say about him? That Hiyori doesn't appreciate their team and want to slack off. It doesn't sound like Hiyori at all. Hiyori settles on typing a brief ‘ _how have you been, captain?'._

He cringes but wishes that it would sound less awkward to the other. 

_good. but i don't think ur okay, toono. am i right?_

_Crap_. Hoshikawa is suspicious. 

_and what happened to your response? hasnt Kirishima told you about the pool?_

Wait, what was that? What is that response he should give Hoshikawa? And Ikuya was supposed to tell him something but didn't? The latter thought sends shivers into his body. Or maybe he's just cold. Though it's really warm inside his messy dorm room. He really needs to tidy his things up a bit. Many things have been not ' _hiyori_ ' about him lately. 

_sorry captain. he didn't mention it. guess it slipped off his mind_

Yup. He definitely won't dare tell Hoshikawa about their small fight. 

_ok then will tell u myself. theyre going to rebuild the pool due to a constructional error they discovered last week. so we have postponed practice until we find an indoor pool. some suggested trying to talk to the close universities and ask for permission to use their pools but we haven't settled on that yet. all members are giving in their responses about what they see more suitable for all of us. so what do you think?_

Oh. 

_Oh_. So there were no practices beyond the day he was supposed to be practicing with Ikuya. Then...this means that he didn't miss any of their official team practices! What a coincidence. It truly benefits him good. 

_Uh i really dont know but i hope we find an indoor pool instead of overwhelming other students in their own university pool_

Hiyori enough, right? He presses send and waits anxiously for his captain's reply. 

_very well. I will see what the other guys will say_

Hiyori lets out a deep sigh before putting the device back on the table and brings a hand to take off his glasses. A headache threatening of sending his head into chaos. Why does it have to be like this? After all they've been through, Ikuya has always been the one needing help, not Hiyori. But he feels like he's the _most_ helpless person in all Japan at this moment. Captain Hoshikawa was _this_ close from pointing out his unusual acts and whether it had something to do with Ikuya. Hiyori is thankful it didn't get to that point, because he wouldn't know what to say. He can't lie to Hoshikawa, can he? And he can't bring himself to tell him that he should ask Ikuya instead. Nope. Not in a million years. Hiyori has never thrown something on Ikuya to deal with _alone_. He has always been there for him. Sure they didn't get in trouble much but when they did, Hiyori was the one to take care of things and get them out smoothly. So it's absolutely out of question that Hiyori is going to let _Ikuya_ explain this whole mess to their captain instead of Hiyori.

_You're the one at wrong, after all._

Is he? Before his thoughts get best of him again, Hiyori feels the table buzzing beneath his elbow. He moves his hand to grab his phone again. Not even putting on his glasses. 

_hey toono everything ok between you and Kirishima? havent seen u together for a while_

_Together_. Like they had always been. Since their reunion in the states, they grew kind of connected to the hips. He trotted after Ikuya everywhere, and Ikuya followed him into new coffee shops every day. Because Hiyori was the one doing the discovering about and picking their new destinations. He was more excited to spend the day _with_ Ikuya instead of merely being excited over visiting a new shop. They shared a room back in high school. Ikuya having the top bunk because he had grown used to it when he was in middle school. They also shared classes and notes and umbrellas and worry and happiness and everything. It was tighter than anything, what they had back then when Ikuya was only focused on getting _stronger_. 

Stronger by _Hiyori's_ side. 

But since the first day of the newcomer tournament rolled by, Ikuya started to act different. Maybe it was kind of a barely-there irritation or uneasiness, but Hiyori had noticed it all. Of course he would, because he had met with the very cause of Ikuya's trouble. His old teammates. Especially the guy with a black mob and eyes _bluer_ than the ocean itself. The swimmer had magically made Ikuya fall on his knees. Made him feel vulnerable and weak and... _small_. Ikuya's pride had never overwhelmed anyone, sure he seemed standoffish but his close friends, like Hiyori, could easily see through that intense glare and small pout that he was just not talkative. But he was mostly seen as someone you would look up to. Awed glances from other swimmers always caught Hiyori's attention when Ikuya was swimming his gorgeous front crawl. Or simply when Ikuya was _just_ swimming. They were drawn to him, just like how everyone on the other side of Tokyo was drawn to blue eyes and dolphin kicks prettier than anything they had ever seen. Ikuya didn't believe it when Hiyori reminded him that he wasn't a weak person. 

_Feeling weak in front of one particular guy doesn't mean you are less than him!_

Hiyori wanted to scream. But it was _too_ late. He had already made a mistake and overstepped his boundaries. Boundaries that weren't there before, until the issue involved Ikuya's old buddies. Something flashes in Hiyori's vision and he doesn't notice that he still hasn't replied to his captain's message until another message pops in the conversation room. 

_u still there toono?_

Hiyori hisses. He doesn't want to utter a single word about what is going on between him and Ikuya but he also doesn't want his captain to think that they were having a fight. _Think, Hiyori. Use your brain._ And suddenly, a thought lights over his head. 

_yes captain ‘m alright. I just had some meetings with my project partners and didn't get to see him much_

_Him_. Because Hiyori doesn't trust himself enough to type Ikuya's name without sounding _too desperate_. How can someone even sound desperate over a text? 

The reply is almost instant. 

_u sure?_

Of _freaking_ course Hoshikawa can see through his lie.

_No_. 

_I'm lying, Hoshikawa._

_Help me._

Hiyori wants to say but he lets go of the phone and grabs his head with both hands. Can he keep on doing this? Does he trust himself to keep low and stay out of everyone's sight? Does he even want that to happen? 

_You miss him?_

The sound in his head echoes. He does, right? But he feels too _ashamed_ to admit it. He doesn't want to overthink, heck, he has been doing nothing but overthinking for these past days that his head feels like it is going to _explode_. 

He needs to stop. He is fine, Ikuya isn't upset about what happened that night, everything is alright. 

Deep breaths.

Great. 

But then he sees it. A faint light coming from behind the curtain of his small room. 

_Red_. 

_Bloody red._

_Just like the two irises which ordered for a sword. A sword to shove inside Hiyori. To destroy his last hope._

Stop. 

Hiyori knows that he needs to stop these voices from taking over his mind. Why are they worsening the situation? Shouldn't they be on his side? To help him calm himself a little? 

_But look at that color._

His eyes dart to fall on the same spot. The street light burning like an _angry_ torch. Hes not wearing his glasses but the fire cannot _not_ be seen. 

_The same like before yeah? It's red._

_It makes you lose your mind._

Stop. 

_It hurts you._

Stop, no. 

_He hurts you._

Ikuya. 

And then he falls. Hand slipping from its grip on the curtain, allowing it to flutter back and cover the scene whole. Legs pulled into his chest, glasses somewhere on the table, phone buzzing again, probably Hoshikawa demanding an answer. The world is spinning around Hiyori.

But Hiyori can't tell Hoshikawa. _Won't_ tell him. Because it _hurts_. 

The thought, the words, the feeling, the fist, the _color_. 

Everything hurts. 

Hiyori wants to forget _everything_. To forget that he once wanted to pull Ikuya back on his legs again. To forget the reassuring words he once used to coax Ikuya into believing in himself again. To forget the feeling of Ikuya's fist on his chest, to forget the _color_ of those piercing eyes. Hiyori wants to forget that he once _loved_ the color. That he thought it would _protect_ him from that ugly monster called loneliness. Its voice echoes inside Hiyori's head.

_Didn't you say you miss me?_

_I'm here, now._

The monster wraps around Hiyori's body like a greek snake monster.

_I'm back, Hiyori._

Hiyori is crying, but it doesn't feel like it. It is more painful. Like he's _dying_. 

_Alone_. 

_You will always be alone, kid_.

**Author's Note:**

> ckeck out my other ongoing natsunao fic too!
> 
> im also on tumblr, come say hi and ramble wimme bout free! bois
> 
> https://yorememberme.tumblr.com/post/625618388957511681/wow-is-no-one-going-to-talk-about-this-sappy-look


End file.
